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I don't want to move anymore (I previously planned to move to Chicago or England). I've moved almost every year of my life. All I know how to do is say goodbye & start over. But I don't want that anymore. I want to stay in one place. I want to have a family & kids that'll grow up in one town. I want to have friends that have been my friends for years. I want stability. So I'm starting over. I'm no longer pursuing a crazy life. I'm listening to my heart. And my heart needs calm. I'm erasing every word from my book and starting fresh on page  one.

Drumline

This December, I'm auditioning for Carolina Gold Drum & Bugle Corps on bass drum. I know my skills are rusty so I put up ads around the music building about how I was looking for a tutor, and not only did I find one, he was the 5th bass for Phantom Regiment & 1st bass for Carolina Gold. So yeah, I really lucked out there & I'm really really looking forward to our lessons (which will begin after fall break). In pep band, we had our 3rd rehearsal (after like 3 months) & we got to wear the drums. I'm on 5th bass & let me tell you: it is significantly heavier than the 1st bass I marched for winter. This morning the band played at a charity event for 2 hours, so I got to wear it for primarily the whole time. I thought it was going to be hell, but I warmed up to it. I actually started enjoying having it on. It's weird. It's like your drum becomes a part of you & you feel naked without it on. Here, enjoy pictures of Marshall with costumed people who were also at the charity event.

Purple Smoothies & Bling Rings

As a part of the Student Government Association, we participate in community events. On Saturday, the campus clubs/organizations "took over" the university center. It was from 10pm-2am and it consisted of going from place to place, learning about clubs & playing games. It was pretty awesome. Afterwards, they had us all congregate in the ballroom & we lightly partied before they gave away prizes via raffle tickets. I didn't win anything sadly, but the night wasn't over just yet! My friend Caitlyn was out of town for the weekend (actually she just got back) so I stayed in her room with our friend Della. The whole morning & afternoon consisted of watching Netflix, the Hunger Games, and trying to figure out how to order Japanese food online. I kind of got off topic.....oops. Well, since I'm in SGA, I signed up to help with a fraternity during the take over event. We all crammed into a tiny room, played cards & sang karaoke to 90s & early 2000s R&B music. But anyway, after my shift was over, I went & got Della (who stayed in the room) & told her to throw her clothes on & come. We found our friend Marshall in one of the rooms & stuck with him the rest of the night, and during the raffle we met up with a guy in pep band who's name is J. After the take over ended, we all walked the streets of Greensboro. Marshall peed on some innocent grass, we tried to order Wendy's from the drive thru though we didn't have a car, went to a gas station & got some disgusting purple smoothies, then crashed at Marshall's dorm & watched the Bling Ring & fangirled over Emma Watson's American accent. It was a brilliant night, and Marshall told me more about ROTC (which he's apparently in). I might join later....we'll see.

Time to Make a Change

Maybe I'm deciding to mature, maybe not. I've just noticed that throughout life, I've had a lot of great opportunities that I just took for granted. So from now on, I'm not going to take them for granted anymore. I'm going to do nothing less than my best at everything because when I do, life will become limitless. And I like the sound of a limitless life. I'm not going to let go of the past because the past is also who I am. I'm going to learn to live & succeed with it. I'm just going to stop myself from trying to recreate it. I will stop trying to connect with people from my past because they're living in their present, and I shouldn't make them go backwards. Life is supposed to be moving forwards right? Or maybe zigzagged. Who knows. All I know is that I'm tired. Of a lot of things. There's nothing else to do besides take a nap & wake up leaving those things behind me in the bed. I feel like that should be worded better, but I'm not an English major so who cares. (English majors. English majors care.)

How to Effectively Make Your Crush Notice You

Okay so, during freshman orientation I noticed this girl (Well actually two. But I'll focus on the first one). So she lives in my dorm, on the floor above mine. Recently, I got her to notice me. Here are my methods:

1. Learn their schedule. This doesn't give you permission to be a creep. Just notice. For example, I lucked out because my crush is shy & always hangs out with her friend. So she's pretty set in a schedule. She's a music major & my music major friends have classes with her, so I know when she'll be in & out of the music building. She also goes to dinner with her friend every night at the same time.

2. Pop up places. After you learn their schedule, pop up at those places. When my crush leaves the music building or is going into it, I'll most of the time be walking around. So she knows my face.

3. Show them that you're cool. I leave with my friends for dinner the same time she does with her friend. So we're conveniently in the same elevator. I always start a conversation with my friends, where I'll say something funny or witty. Crack a joke. Tell an interesting story. Give your opinion on something & try to sound philosophical.

4. Engage. Accidentally bump into them and say something like "Oh sorry. My bad! Hey, haven't I seen you around?" Start a conversation. Crack another joke! Even if it's a bad joke, they already know you're cool. And from there, when you see them again, strike up another conversation. After becoming friends, get their number, text them, hang out with them.

You're welcome.

About Me

My name's Imani! I'm a Sagittarius, and most of the stuff I've read about it is true. I was born in Lexington, Kentucky but I've lived in 7 states and called 18 houses/apartments home. I have a little sister and two older brothers. Right now, I go to the University of North Carolina at Greensboro as a Media Studies major, but I will be transferring next year. I'm a multi-instrumentalist. I play the trumpet, French horn, trombone, alto saxophone, cello, guitar, drums, and piano. I'm an extroverted introvert. You'll either know me as being loud & crazy or shy & quiet. I love being out, doing things & exploring, but I value my quiet time when I can just think.

I've been heavily bullied since I was in first grade, where a group of girls called me "ugly" & "worthless" every single day. And I got bullied at every place we moved to after that. I was bullied to the point where I was afraid to leave my house, and I was very hesitant to even leave my room. One good thing did come from this though. In 9th grade, the school band I was in played a song called Freedom by Michael W. Smith. That song opened my eyes to the world honestly. I listened to it over & over and then discovered other genres of music like alternative & country. After this, I got really into music and film and television and theatre. After college, I want to start my own media conglomerate company that will delve into almost every part of the arts. But I don't know.

I'm unsure about a lot of things in my life. And I can't think about them in full because my mind isn't completely here due to the Depersonalization. I love whoever I fall in love with. I've been in love once. I've been heartbroken once. I've never been in a relationship. I've liked a lot of people, but no one likes me. I'm also unsure about where to go with my life. I'm at that age where I'm questioning everything that I was so sure about before. So bear with me!

Beginning

I've deleted my Facebook. It became too draining for me. My sole reason for keeping it was "I want to see what's going on in my friends' lives" but if they were my real friends I could just call/text them & hang out in person. (Ya know. Like we did 10 years ago before Facebook) I loved my life before social media. I would actually go out & do things. After I got Facebook and Twitter, I became consumed with making my life look better than it was, making the right statuses to get a lot of likes, choosing the best profile pictures to get likes, comparing my page to others', etc. I wanted to be noticed. Desperately. And so did everyone else. We all became so thirsty for attention. This new fad of being "Original" and "Yourself" and "Hipster" is just getting really annoying, but I'll save that rant for another post.

Right now, I'm suffering from Depersonalization Disorder. Basically, I feel like nothing is real & that I'm watching myself live life instead of participating in it. You know when you're really sleepy and nothing feels real? It's like that. But it never stops. I only feel alive when I'm dreaming. It's terrible. I feel like I don't exist. I don't want to exist. But I don't want to die, either. So I'm beginning again. Unplugging from social media (except this & Tumblr), I'm going to actually go out and live life. Even if I can't feel it.

I named this blog Being Within after a quote from The Great Gatsby. I feel like I've always been both within & without. I was always at that median. In between the door. I was in and I was out. But now I'm choosing to step in. So join me on my journey of living life within.